


we all look for heaven and we put our love first

by merlypops



Series: 5SOS Song Oneshots [8]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Adrenaline, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Death, Destruction, Dom/sub Undertones, Drinking to Cope, Drowning, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, House Party, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Lashton - Freeform, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Neglect, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Pain Kink, Power Play, Relationship(s), Romance, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sad Ending, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Relationships, malum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:54:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Ashton held Luke tighter, like he couldn’t get enough of him... like maybe <i>Luke’s</i> presence was addictive too, like a drug that Ashton couldn’t live without anymore.<br/>Luke liked that thought – and it was the same when he was going down on Ashton really. He loved being able to carefully and methodically tear apart the older boy’s self-control, loved that quiet sense of <i>power</i> it gave him.<br/>He wanted <b>more</b> of it.'</p><p>
  <b>A drunken kiss at a party sends Luke’s life spiralling out of control and Ashton is powerless to stop it.</b>
</p><p>Based on “This Is What Makes Us Girls” by Lana Del Rey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we all look for heaven and we put our love first

**Author's Note:**

> This fic kind of ran away with me so it's really angsty and really weird and yeah okay I hope this doesn't suck.  
> Fingers crossed you'll enjoy it! ♥  
> Seriously though, please be careful reading this because I literally triggered myself writing this so.... yeah. Read with caution x
> 
> (Also I know this is based on a Lana song but these lyrics below needed to be added I swear)

**_Only love can hurt like this,_ **

**_Must have been a deadly kiss._ **

_\- Only Love Can Hurt Like This, Paloma Faith_

 

Luke Hemmings had never even _been_ to a party before he met Ashton Irwin.

The anxiety Luke had developed during school was _crippling_ but there was something about the older boy's bright laughter and sparkling eyes that made the ache in Luke's chest feel less _raw_ somehow.

Just by holding Ashton's hand or having the older boy sling a muscular arm casually around the younger boy's slim waist, Luke would feel better.

Ashton's presence had always been like that to him though, like a drug in the best possible sense of the word because Ashton was _addictive_ and Luke didn't think he could live without him anymore.

Luke spent every weekend partying with Ashton now, spending all night long wrapped safely in the older boy's arms as the alcohol made Luke's head spin and Ashton's soft eyes glittered down at him like hazel stars.

Ashton's hands around Luke's waist were warm and comforting, an anchor that kept Luke's breathing calm and his thoughts as steady as they _could_ realistically be when he was drunker than he had ever been in his life.

Luke never forgot the night when he and Ashton became _more_ than just friends who went to parties together though, because Luke had been drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice stolen from a schoolmate's father's beer stash when Ashton sank down onto the sofa beside the blond boy, settling a comforting arm around the younger boy's shoulders as the pair watched the party unfolding around them.

Luke knew he'd never forget the moment when Ashton cradled Luke's flushed face gently in his large hands and kissed him, gently licking the taste of the alcohol from Luke's tongue as the blond boy moaned into Ashton's mouth.

That was the younger boy's first kiss - crammed onto an old sofa with Ashton and two other couples in the basement of a stranger's house while music pounded through the crowded mansion - and Luke didn't regret it for even a moment.

Where Ashton was concerned, Luke didn't regret _anything_. 

*

Ashton got a bit possessive of Luke sometimes and it wasn't even like it was a conscious decision - Ashton couldn't _help_ feeling jealous when people flirted with Luke, when they hit on him when Ashton was standing _right_ next to him.

The older boy tried not to show that it upset him though because Luke would get anxious then and he might have a panic attack, and seeing his boyfriend gasping for air as tears trickled down his cheeks was just about the worst thing that Ashton could imagine.

He hated that Luke had to suffer with this, that the teachers at their school had literally written off the pale, frightened boy sitting at the back of the classroom because they thought he wasn't worth their time.

Ashton didn't agree with that statement one little bit though.

Luke was _everything_ and, even if it took the older boy a _millennia_ , Ashton knew he would never tire of reassuring the beautiful blond boy of that, would never stop pressing gentle kisses to Luke’s soft lips and savouring the mysterious taste of cherries that always seemed to linger in the blond boy’s mouth.

Ashton loved Luke more than he loved _anything_. 

* 

When Luke first befriended Calum Hood at the drama class he had started attending at school in an effort to build his confidence, Ashton had been jealous, and Luke had desperately tried to reassure his boyfriend in the only way he could think of: with his kisses and his heart and his soul.

When Luke went all the way with Ashton for the first time, it felt like a natural progression almost and it definitely wasn't a sacrifice - losing his virginity and getting to make love to the person he adored more than anything in the world was one of the best experiences of Luke's life. (And sure, maybe Ashton _had_ spilt lube all over Luke's bed because he was using so much of it in an effort to make sure everything was as comfortable as possible but Luke thought maybe that only added to the experience, because Ashton was so sweet and genuinely kind that it made Luke feel the safest he'd _ever_ been.)

When Ashton had gasped out: "I can't believe you're letting me have this" as he sank in deep and Luke whined, flinging his head back into the pillows as his flushed cock kicked out a spurt of pre-come across his pale stomach, it had seemed like the simplest thing in the world for Luke to breathe: "I love you, honey."

Luke loved giving himself to the older boy, loved falling apart as Ashton stroked him open with his fingers and his tongue, loved being so full that it felt like he was finally _whole_.

Ashton loved it too.

He thought Luke was like a doll almost, too beautiful and fragile and _delicate_ for such a dark world, but Ashton was always good to his boyfriend though and Luke trusted him.

Ashton was the only one who was allowed to suck love bites into Luke's skin and marking Luke's beautiful form with bruises turned the older boy on more than he cared to admit.

"I love you, little bird," Ashton breathed against Luke's skin, his lips warm and soft as they pressed fleeting kisses to Luke's chest. "So much. I **love** you."

Ashton told Luke all the time and the blond boy knew he'd never forget it because he felt the same way too.

It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. 

* 

Over time, Ashton grew to like Luke’s new friend Calum too.

The dark-eyed boy was sweet and friendly, happy in the extreme until he fell for a silver-haired boy named Michael Clifford who was still very stubbornly straight until he wanted to fuck Calum.

It upset Luke – Ashton could see the pain in the blond boy’s eyes when Calum showed up afterwards with bruises on his neck and tears burning as they coursed down his cheeks – and it hurt Ashton too because, now that he wasn’t feeling jealous, he could admit that Calum was incredibly sweet and he _definitely_ didn’t deserve to be messed around like this.

It made school harder too because Michael was always lingering on the other side of the cafeteria with his group of friends while Ashton, Luke and Calum sat at a table alone, keeping their heads down and doing their best to fit in, even as Calum struggled not to let his pain show on his face and Luke fought for a calm that he didn’t feel.

Ashton squeezed Luke’s thigh gently under the table when Michael looked over before quickly turning away again, and when Calum slumped down in his seat and exhaled shakily, Ashton decided that he couldn’t bear to leave things the way they were.

Michael sauntered past with his group of footballer friends then though and Luke slipped his arm around Calum’s shoulders, holding him close. Ashton glared at Michael’s retreating back as he left the cafeteria with his friends.

“How I _hate_ those guys,” the curly-haired boy said vehemently and Luke’s free hand dropped down to grip Ashton’s hand soothingly.

Calum started to cry. 

* 

Luke’s love for Ashton flared in his chest like a sparkler, like petrol being poured into flames to keep the fire scorching and bright.

His love thundered burning through his veins like adrenaline-spiked blood and his swollen heart pounded because of it, but nothing had ever made him feel _less_ anxious and Luke’s chest was heaving with emotion.

Seeing that same burning passion in Ashton’s starry hazel eyes – lidded and dark with lust – when Luke sank down onto his knees between the older boy’s legs was perhaps the blond boy’s very _favourite_ thing about making Ashton come.

Luke loved the little broken gasps that escaped Ashton when the blond boy gently licked at the rosy-red head of Ashton’s cock as the older boy slumped back in the armchair in his living room when his family were out. Luke relished the little whines that escaped Ashton when the blond boy pulled away to mouth at the shaft, even as he smeared his thumb over the soft skin of the tip, letting it catch in the slit.

Luke loved how Ashton’s voice cracked when he tried to say Luke’s name, pulled away and made the older boy whimper until Luke settled down on Ashton’s lap, all bare skin and hot kisses as his tongue dragged against Ashton’s and Luke pressed down over the scorching heat of Ashton’s cock.

Luke loved Ashton’s whimpers, loved murmuring: “I’ve got you, honey” as he sucked love bites into the warm, tanned skin of Ashton’s neck, relishing the chance to actually take charge for once.

Luke loved the sensation of Ashton working a lube-wet finger into the blond boy’s tight hole as he clenched down, throwing his head back and moaning when Ashton’s teeth scraped his skin.

Luke loved when Ashton stroked him open and sank in, loved the sweat beading on their foreheads as they rocked together. Luke loved the hisses that escaped him and the choked groans tearing out of Ashton when Luke quickened their pace, dropping his head to bite and suck at the soft skin stretching across the older boy’s collarbone.

Luke loved how Ashton’s hips slammed against his own as they chased their orgasms, loved how the heat was coiling unbearably in Luke’s stomach – molten almost – as his fingernails dug into Ashton’s shoulders.

Luke loved having to run and hide upstairs when Ashton’s parents pulled up _hours_ early in the driveway, loved the fear and the excitement and the adrenaline burning through him.

Luke loved **Ashton**.

He thought he always _would_.

* 

Calum got over Michael eventually – and the silver-haired boy was the one who lingered in the corridors at school now, staring after Calum with longing clear in his eyes as the dark-haired boy walked straight past him – and it just went to show that falling in love wasn’t _always_ forever, no matter how much it felt like the contrary at the time.

It eased something in Luke’s chest to see Calum calmer and happier now but there was a new burning in Luke’s veins these days, that craving for adrenaline and fear and excitement and just **life** that replaced the anxiety in his body with something new.

It was a heady sensation, dangerous and intoxicating and _exhilarating_ , and sometimes it felt like maybe Luke loved that feeling more than he loved _anything_.

He only got that feeling when he was with Ashton though – and even _then_ it was only in certain situations – so Luke started to chase it.

He drove Ashton out into the middle of nowhere and fucked him on the backseat of his mother’s car. He stole alcohol and drank with Ashton until his head was spinning and the stars were hazy in the sky above them.

Luke produced a spliff one night when they were lying together and Ashton’s hazel eyes widened as he pulled away in shock.

“What happened to you?” Ashton breathed and Luke knew what he was thinking, knew the older boy was remembering Luke when they’d first met, back when he was a tiny frightened blond boy with empty lungs and a dizzy head.

“I’m fixing me,” Luke whispered, his lips catching against Ashton’s gently, the touch so light that it was barely there. Luke fished a lighter out of his pocket and the flame illuminated his beautiful, _exhausted_ face as he inhaled the smoke deeply.

“ _L-Luke_?” Ashton murmured, his voice uncertain now even as he held Luke tighter, like he couldn’t get enough of him... like maybe _Luke’s_ presence was addictive too, like a drug that Ashton couldn’t live without anymore.

Luke liked that thought – and it was the same when he was going down on Ashton really. He loved being able to carefully and methodically tear apart the older boy’s self-control, loved that quiet sense of _power_ it gave him.

He wanted **more** of it.

“This is what we need,” Luke murmured, breathing the sweet-smelling smoke into Ashton’s lungs as he kissed the older boy on the side of the road in the dew-wet grass, and Luke had complained about getting his socks wet once but he didn’t care about the discomfort of that anymore, not when Ashton’s knees were weakening as he leant back heavily against the car when Luke licked into his mouth with the spliff held carefully between his fingers, even as the rain started to fall and Luke’s quiff fell limply across his forehead.

Not when the cold made them shiver and the thunder rumbled overhead and the lightning cleaved the sky apart.

Not even then. 

* 

The summer rains came early that year, flooding the gardens and soaking the wooden planks of Luke’s family’s veranda as he sat cross-legged on the swinging bench, cradling a can of beer in his small, pale hands as thunder rumbled distantly. He was dressed in an oversized navy blue jumper and his bare legs were mottled with the cold as he tucked his bare feet beneath him, frowning a little when his skin stuck to the damp material covering the cushions on the chair.

The sky was a dark, murky grey and the heavy rain was a steady dripping as the storm clouds rolled in overhead. The streetlights were just beginning to glow a dirty yellow and, although Luke was mostly sheltered, the breeze occasionally blew raindrops in his direction and they ran icily down his face.

“Luke?”

The blond boy looked up, sucking the black metal of his new lip-ring into his mouth as the rain ran down his face. Calum was hesitating at the gate, leaning on the damp wood with rain running down his face in rivulets. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead and his eyes were red.

Calum hated storms and Luke’s eyes widened when he remembered this fact.

Something _bad_ must have happened to make Calum leave his house in this weather.

Luke set his beer on the floor with shaking hands and opened his arms wordlessly, and then Calum was stumbling across the wet ground and crumpling into the younger boy’s pale arms with a sob.

Luke pulled Calum into his lap, stroked his back gently through the wet t-shirt as he pressed soft kisses to his best friend’s forehead.

Ashton wasn’t here right now so this was down to Luke.

“What happened, Cally?” the blond boy breathed and, when he glanced down at Calum, his eyes lingered on a bruise that had been sucked into Calum’s neck. “You were with Michael again,” Luke guessed and it didn’t sound like a question.

Calum shuddered and Luke held him tighter, fought to focus on Calum’s sobs instead of the shivers running violently through his _own_ narrow frame because, if he thought about those, he might just fall apart.

“I c-can’t say _n-no_ to him,” Calum whispered and the pounding rain almost stole his words away but, against the odds, Luke heard him.

“Why do you think that is?” the blond boy asked and the thunder crashed overhead again as lightning crackled menacingly in the distance.

Calum whimpered and Luke’s lips were cool as they brushed the older boy’s cheekbone.

“Don’t be frightened, Cal,” Luke said quietly, shifting further back on the seat so that Calum was protected from the rain too. “Focus on me instead. Just answer the question, okay? Why do you think you can’t say no to Michael?”

Calum wriggled out of Luke’s lap, sat cross-legged across from him with his head hanging and tears rolling down his cheeks.

Luke snagged his beer from the decking, raised it and took a sip as he kept his blue eyes fixed on Calum. He let the alcohol linger on his tongue as he waited for Calum to answer.

“Because I love him,” Calum breathed and his chocolate brown eyes were swimming with tears, and Luke wanted Ashton then, wanted to be pulled into the older boy’s lap and cradled safely there so that the anxiety he could still feel burning in his veins even now would finally die down.

“Cally,” Luke said softly because the pain on his best friend’s face hurt to look at. It felt like Luke was the prince in a fairytale, battling his way through thorns as they tore at his skin, but he didn’t even _notice_ the blood welling up in the cuts on his skin because there was somebody who needed saving - **he** needed saving - and he wouldn’t stop running or fighting or destroying until that was done.

“I _h-hate_ this, Luke!” Calum cried, knotting his fingers into his dark curls and choking on a sob. “I _l-love_ him and we can n-never be together because he’s t-too _scared_! And I _h-hate_ him for m-making me love him, Luke. I f-fucki _ng hate_ him…”

Luke cupped Calum’s face gently with his small pale hands, rubbed his thumbs gently over the bruised circles under the older boy’s eyes as Calum watched him mournfully.

Luke’s gaze was even as he kissed Calum briefly on the cheek, wiping the dark-haired boy’s tears away with a soft look on his face.

“Don’t cry about him, Cal,” Luke began but Calum’s expression became distressed and the blond boy’s brows drew together in a small frown. “I said _don’t_ cry about him, Calum.”

When the dark-haired boy looked up at Luke in surprise, sniffing hard and wiping his eyes with a damp sleeve, Luke’s eyes were _steely_ almost and that quiet sense of power was there again, bubbling like poison in his veins.

“Don’t cry about him,” Luke repeated, his voice soft as the storm raged on. “It’s all gonna happen.” 

* 

Ashton felt like he was losing his footing sometimes, felt like he was stranded in a river where the current was flowing too fast. His feet weren’t planted firmly on the ground anymore.

He was floating up in the clouds instead, reaching out desperately for something to slow his descent but coming up short every time because there was nothing else up here but the birds, and they’d never cared all that much about him anyway.

The only times he felt **real** anymore were when Luke was holding onto him, keeping him anchored with his cold little hands and his tear-wet cheeks and the blue fire burning icy in his eyes.

Ashton was scared of Luke sometimes, scared of the fragile boy with the wide gaze and the soft blond hair because he had been strong once, burning and _alive_ as panic thundered through his veins, making him shudder and cry and _live_.

Luke wasn’t like that now.

He didn’t panic because he was always stoned or drunk, or _both_. His head was a dizzying mess of anxiety and pain and _lust_ , and the dark thoughts he was constantly riddled with were wearing him thin.

Luke was frightening to look at nowadays with his empty blue eyes and limp blond hair. His eyes were sunken, and his skin was pale and cold to the touch, and Ashton still craved him, still loved the younger boy so much that it **choked** him sometimes.

“Little bird,” Ashton breathed against Luke’s lips, drinking the blond boy in like he was water choking the older boy’s lungs, like Ashton couldn’t get _enough_ of him.

It was frightening, feeling that vulnerable, but Ashton had cradled Luke safely in his arms once, had kept the panic at bay as he kissed him soft and gentle under the stars at house parties they didn’t belong at, and now maybe it was _Luke’s_ turn to take care of someone instead.

The only problem was that Ashton didn’t feel like Luke _was_ taking care of him.

He was looking after himself instead.

Those worries crept into Ashton’s mind slowly, when he was seconds away from unconsciousness or was just awakening from sleep.

They coloured his thoughts when Ashton realised that Luke only cuddled Ashton nowadays when he was cold. He only held Ashton’s hand when he was wary or frightened. He fucked himself on Ashton’s cock without a care and he stole the smoke straight from Ashton’s lungs when he dragged the older boy into a hungry kiss with a spliff held between his fingers, more secure than his grip _ever_ was on the older boy’s hand.

Ashton thought he might have left if the agonised _love_ in Luke’s eyes wasn’t so apparent to see.

The blond boy seemed to be fighting a battle and that made Ashton feel sick because he could do his best to protect Luke from everyone else but what could he do when Luke was tearing _himself_ apart?

That had never been something Ashton had considered when they were starting out.

Looking at the desperate fear in Luke’s dull blue eyes in those moments before they clouded over with drugs or alcohol again, Ashton thought maybe Luke hadn’t counted on that happening either.

* 

Luke was losing his grip on reality.

He realised it sometimes when he blinked and found himself somewhere new, and it scared him just how much he didn’t _care_ about that.

He found new places sometimes, found himself standing in them - usually in the dead of night - with no recollection as to how he got there in the first place.

It had happened a few weeks ago. Luke had been watching television, felt himself getting edgy and distracted as his leg started to twitch restlessly, and then he was balancing on the sea wall as the cold ocean waves battered relentlessly against it, and Ashton was pleading with Luke to come back down because it wasn’t _safe_ up there and Luke was crying because he didn’t know what was happening to him anymore, and he needed it to **stop**.

Luke stopped going to school and his family didn’t notice.

That stung but Luke felt guilt in his heart when he realised that he hadn’t been paying them enough attention either. His parents’ marriage had always been rocky at best but it seemed almost _over_ now, and Luke’s older brothers were barely ever home.

Luke spent most of his days chasing those feelings of adrenaline because, at least when his body was thrumming with stress and excitement as his blood raced and his heart pounded, Luke could convince himself that the love in his heart _wasn’t_ tearing him painfully apart.

The only problem was that it was getting even harder to find that escape now and Ashton was _terrified_. He tried so hard to keep Luke calm, tried to plead with him and make promises he couldn’t keep, and Luke could see the fire and the _fear_ burning in his boyfriend’s lovely hazel eyes, and they weren’t like stars anymore.

They were empty and afraid, and it kind of killed Luke that he’d done that to someone he loved so much, and who loved _him_.

It felt like the beginning of the end. Period.

Luke didn’t think there was a way to fix this. 

* 

“You can’t keep having _fun_ like this, Luke. You’re skipping school. You’re… you’re _d-drinking_ … It’s not **healthy**. Please, just… just let me help you.”

The words were unwelcome and Luke’s anger flared defensively in his chest, stealing the air from his lungs and setting his forehead prickling with sweat as his anxiety overwhelmed him.

“Why do you decide to care now?” Luke demanded but his eyes were unfocused and he wanted to be somewhere - **anywhere** \- else. “Why do you decide that _now_ you’re going to be a mother? Where were you when I came home from drama and tried to tell you how well I’d done in class? Where were you when I fell in love and actually wanted to _talk_ about it with you? Where were you then?!”

The words burnt like acid in Luke’s throat and his stomach clenched, churning with nausea. His fingers itched with the need to pick up a cigarette or a bottle or _something_. He wanted to punch a wall or smash a glass, wanted to fucking _feel_ something.

He didn’t want this.

“Luke, your father and I… we… we haven’t been paying you enough attention and I’m _sorry_ , baby. I truly am,” Luke’s mum Liz said softly, _brokenly_. “Please, _please_ let me start to make amends now. What _happened_ to you, sparrow? All of my other birds have flown the nest and you’re the only baby I’ve got left here now. Let me look after you. I don’t want to see you fall.”

Luke fought not to fall apart, gripped the kitchen counter tightly in his shaking hands as tremors wracked his body.

“I… I c-can’t _do_ this now, mum,” Luke breathed and he needed something to distract him now, needed it _desperately_. He needed more weed, needed Ashton’s cock down his throat until Luke was choking on it, until he couldn’t think about anything but the tears in his eyes and the desperate need to breathe as Ashton moaned, his face morphed with pleasure as the blond boy pressed him closer.

Luke’s breath was catching in his throat and it was _scaring_ him, being this close to a panic attack again, when he had managed to avoid them for _months_.

“Luke -” Liz began softly but Luke’s eyes were blurry with tears now, and the anxiety was wrapping itself around his worn-out heart and _squeezing_.

“I… I c-can’t,” Luke breathed, spinning on his heel and running for the back door, and Liz’s own heart was heavy in her chest as she dropped her head into her hands, because she could see her youngest son unravelling before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Luke was gone.

* 

Michael’s teeth were grazing the soft skin of Calum’s neck as his pale fingers wrapped around the younger boy’s flushed cock, gliding smoothly up and down as Calum whimpered, bucking his hips into the older boy’s fist.

“Baby, baby,” Michael breathed, kissing and sucking and _biting_ as Calum’s hips jerked against him. They were in the younger boy’s bedroom. The silver was fading out of Michael’s hair and his emerald eyes were glistening with tears behind his lids that he kept locked stubbornly away as Calum fell apart.

His lips were on Michael’s and his mouth tasted like coffee and Michael’s _come_ as he shuddered, and the older boy felt alive, and he _hated_ that he loved this so much.

“Making you feel good, baby?” Michael murmured, his voice rough with arousal and fucking _pain_ as Calum’s muscles tensed further and his fingernails bit into the pale skin of Michael’s bare shoulders, leaving crimson crescent moons behind.

Calum let out a strangled moan in answer, kicking out a spurt of pre-come against Michael’s stomach, even as his breath escaped him in a desperate groan, like it wasn’t _quite_ enough, and Michael’s jaw was set as he wet his finger in Calum’s mouth before he worked it into the younger boy’s hole, and the lack of lube must have fucking _hurt_ because Calum came just like that, tensing up and stilling as his climax crashed over him like a storm.

“Gonna make this work, baby, I promise,” Michael whispered, easing his finger out and kissing Calum through the sting. Michael’s heart ached in his chest because loving someone he shouldn’t was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him.

“Let’s go out tonight, okay? Let’s go out with your friends and have fun and tell them that we want to make this work. Let’s try, okay, Cal? Let’s try because I don’t want to lose you again. That fucking _hurts_ and… and you’re the best thing that’s ever gonna happen to me, baby. I don’t care what people think anymore. **Please**.”

Calum remembered Luke’s words that night in the storm, remembered how the blond boy had promised that everything was going to work out right, and for the first time, Calum thought that maybe Luke was right.

“Yeah,” Calum whispered and his come was drying in pearly streaks on his stomach, but the dark-haired boy didn’t care about any of it. “Yeah, okay.”

* 

Ashton had already tentatively accepted Calum’s invite when Luke showed up, as white as a ghost with panic-stricken eyes and terror in his veins, and Ashton had felt his fear overwhelm him like wildfire because Luke hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time, but Ashton could recognise one a mile off.

“Little bird, what’s wrong?” Ashton whispered, cupping Luke’s face in his large hands and stroking the skin softly with his fingertips as Luke held the door frame tightly, breathing hard like he’d _ran_ all the way to Ashton’s house.

“My mother is trying to ruin my life,” Luke said unfairly, but it wasn’t _really_ a lie. She didn’t like his habits, didn’t seem to _realise_ that they were the only things keeping him _sane_ anymore (probably).

“What did she say?” Ashton asked, slipping his arm around Luke’s waist and leading him into the warmth. Luke’s jeans were ripped and there was blood on his palms, like maybe he’d fallen on his run over. Ashton’s heart ached.

“She says I drink too much, Ash. But I don’t. I _don’t_.” Luke’s eyes were burning again but they looked like they had done that night on the sea wall, like Luke wasn’t really completely _there_ anymore. It felt like ice was dripping down Ashton’s spine now and the sensation was making him shiver. “She says she wants to look after me. Doesn’t want to see me _fall_.”

Luke’s expression became dark and sullen now, and his fingers were cold as they pressed into the soft, warm skin of Ashton’s hip, exposed where his t-shirt had ridden up.

“She doesn’t seem to realise that I’ve already fallen so far that there’s no way back up again,” Luke muttered and Ashton choked on a sob, biting his bottom lip _hard_ as he pulled Luke to his chest, cradling him there.

“Don’t say that, little bird. _Please_.” Ashton’s words were muffled in Luke’s neck and his eyes were stinging with tears. “I told Calum we’d go out tonight with him and Michael but I don’t think that would be such a great idea now so… so l-let me call him and we’ll cancel, and then we can -”

“ _N-no_ ,” Luke gasped out and his eyes were still burning with tears but his little hands were iron-tight on Ashton’s broad shoulders now as he leant down to kiss Ashton softly. “Let’s go, Ash. Let’s go, go, go.”

Ashton was staring up at Luke with apprehension and the worry was blossoming into something else - something darker and more _frightened_ \- but Luke didn’t care because the night promised alcohol and weed and sex now, and that was all he ever really wanted these days.

Ashton just stared at Luke, wondered when he’d grown so tall without him noticing… wondered when things had _changed_ so much… wondered when they’d spiralled out of control -

And then Ashton remembered that night at the party, remembered the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, remembered the way Luke’s tongue was cold with it when Ashton licked hesitantly into the younger boy’s mouth. Ashton remembered the cramped sofa and the pounding bass and the darkness as Luke’s fingers threaded through the older boy’s honey-coloured curls.

Ashton remembered those nights on the backseat of Luke’s mother’s car. He remembered the weed and the rain and the feel of Luke’s cold lips against his.

Ashton remembered **everything** and, when the older boy looked up at Luke and saw the blond boy staring down at him with an intense _pain_ in his eyes, Ashton knew he couldn’t say no to Luke.

He had _never_ been able to say no to him.

That was the problem.

“I guess it might be important,” Ashton finally allowed, feeling Luke relaxing beneath his hands as he let them rest on the taller boy’s broad shoulders gently. “If Michael’s going too, maybe they want to talk or -”

“No,” Luke said dismissively and his eyes were cloudy again now, sparkling like the light was reflecting off of them but not quite managing to light up the dark recesses of the younger boy’s mind. “No. We’re not going to talk. That’s not what tonight is about.”

Ashton went upstairs with Luke to get ready but, even when they met Calum and Michael outside the club, Ashton’s thoughts were a whirling mess of worry and fear, and Luke’s words were spiralling round and around Ashton’s head until he felt dizzy with it.

“ ** _I’ve already fallen so far that there’s no way back up again._** ”

Ashton watched Luke as they danced, tried to ignore how much Luke grinding against him turned him on because that was what had started this whole mess in the _first_ place probably: Ashton’s stupid lust and his inability to deny himself of **Luke**.

He had wrecked both of their lives with one little kiss in the darkness, and now that brush of lips was coming back to haunt him, like chaos theory really, and there was absolutely _nothing_ that Ashton could do to stop it.

Everything was already set in motion.

* 

Luke was dancing on the table.

He’d thought people only did that in films but he was doing it now too and it made him feel **beautiful** because he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, felt like maybe he was _alive_ again, in some weird way, and Luke’s anxiety was little more than embers burning beneath his skin now, and the cherry schnapps he had been drinking all evening was doing a truly _marvellous_ job of keeping his panic at bay.

“What’s he doing?” Michael asked Ashton, his voice raised over the music, and Ashton had to swallow past the lump in his throat when he looked at the silver-haired boy, took in the fact that he had once wanted to punch him but was now only curious of him, because Calum was tucked safely under Michael’s arm and the older boy wasn’t going to let go of him for anyone, and it made Michael look _softer_ somehow... drained Ashton's hatred away.

“I don’t know,” Ashton confessed and Calum was frowning at the curly-haired boy in the darkness, reading Ashton’s lips and looking upset at the words he found there before he looked back towards Luke again.

“He looks…” Calum’s voice trailed away and he shook his head, and Michael’s words were _just_ soft enough that Ashton managed to resist the urge to knock him out.

“He looks like he’s lost it.”

Ashton’s heart seemed to skip a beat in his chest, hearing it confirmed like that, and he knew that Michael’s words were true, felt it in his _bones_ that the silver-haired boy was telling the truth.

Ashton’s terror clawed at his heart because it was all he could see now.

Luke was burning away into nothing – like a sleek motorbike on an empty highway, like a brand new car on the tarmac for the first time, like a rocket roaring up into outer space on its last mission, determined to go out with a **bang**.

Luke was going up, up, _up_ and he wasn’t coming back down again.

Ashton was going to lose him.

He could _feel_ it.

* 

Luke didn’t want the night to end.

He could see the worry and the sadness and the _resolve_ forming in Ashton’s beautiful, _agonised_ eyes, and Luke knew instinctively that he didn’t want to find out what the older boy was thinking.

Something in Luke told him to run away as fast as he could but a stronger part of him - the side that was still anxious and frightened and _hollow_ \- kept him holding Ashton’s warm hand tightly as the tears threatened.

Michael and Calum had long since left the club but Luke’s heart was still pounding too-hard with adrenaline, only it wasn’t even _close_ to enough now.

He coaxed Ashton into a kiss, let the older boy lick the taste of cherry out of his mouth as he stroked Ashton’s curls away from his sweaty forehead. The club was uncomfortably warm and Ashton’s mouth was a hot, familiar slide against Luke’s.

The blond boy whimpered at the loss when Ashton broke away, his eyes dazed and _wet_ , like he was trying not to cry.

“Luke -” Ashton breathed and the blond boy shook his head jerkily, pulling away and darting through the crowd, heading for the exit. Ashton’s long fingers wrapped gently but firmly around Luke’s wrist though, and there was no escape now and… and maybe the scariest, most comforting bit was that Luke wasn’t even sure he _wanted_ to get away anymore.

He was too tired. He couldn’t keep going like this.

Ashton’s arm wrapped around Luke’s waist and then they were outside somehow, and Luke’s head was reeling with the cold as a cool rain blew into his face on the breeze.

“Little bird, _please_ don’t fly away,” Ashton breathed. Luke’s heart ached with fondness and a desperate _anger_ , and his lips were soft when they brushed the underside of Ashton’s jaw. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’ve lost myself,” Luke whispered, drunk and hurting as his fear burnt through him.

“ _Luke_ ,” Ashton cried, distressed, and the blond boy held Ashton’s shoulders firmly in an effort to stay upright, let one of his hands slip to the back of Ashton’s neck before he tightened his fingers in Ashton’s curls, drawing his boyfriend into a bruising kiss.

“One more night,” Luke breathed and his eyes were wide with stars, too far away to be reached now. “One more time.”

“Okay,” Ashton breathed and Luke’s mouth was hot against his as he resigned himself to this. “But then we’re getting you _h-help_. I want you to be safe, little bird. _Please_.”

“One more night,” Luke repeated, his eyes wild now because, if he thought any further in the future than this, there was no doubt in the blond boy's mind that he would fall apart.

 _One more night_.

* 

They broke into one of the hotels in town, climbed over the walk drunkenly in the darkness and fell into the gardens.

“I want to go swimming,” Luke slurred, pointing towards the pool in the hotel’s grounds, and Ashton was shaking his head firmly, his hands closing around Luke’s wrists like manacles, and the blond boy was crying as he thumped uselessly at Ashton’s chest, _weak_ with alcohol and exhaustion.

“We’ll get arrested for trespassing, Luke,” Ashton said, his eyes darting around the dark grounds furtively as he gave the blond boy a little shake. “You’re too drunk. We need to go _home_.”

“You promised I could -”

A door opened and light flooded out into the darkness, and Ashton’s heart shuddered in his chest, even as Luke seemed to swell up, become ten times bigger with adrenaline and liquid courage.

“Get us while we’re hot, you fucker!” he screamed at the security guard and Ashton’s stomach was churning as he dragged Luke away, staggering over the uneven grass as they headed for the wall they’d climbed over again, and the security guard was speaking urgently into his radio and Luke was heaving like he was about to be sick, and climbing over the wall and half- _dragging_ Luke up behind him had never been so hard.

The rough stone grazed Ashton’s knees and elbows as he scrambled over but he didn’t give himself a chance to stop, simply pulled Luke’s arm over his shoulders and hauled them down the road, away from the security guard and the threat of police.

Luke got his feet under him by the time they reached the end of the road but his forehead was covered in a sheen of cold sweat and his skin was _ashen_. Ashton pulled him into an alley when he heard sirens and the blue lights passed by.

They illuminated Luke’s pale face and he looked _insane_ as a smile lit up his features.

“Pretty,” Luke murmured, reaching out like he could touch them, and Ashton’s eyes were burning with tears as he covered Luke’s mouth with his hand, drawing him deeper into the shadows so that they were out of sight.

Luke bit at his palm playfully and Ashton let out a little whine as the tears began to fall because his beautiful boy was _broken_ and he hadn’t been able to save him.

“Wanna go to your house,” Luke mumbled, his words coming out muffled against the older boy’s hand, and Ashton had barely had time to relax when Luke said: “You have a pool. Wanna go _swimming_.”

“I don’t think that would be such a good idea tonight, Luke,” Ashton whispered so that his voice wouldn’t have a chance to break.

Luke pulled away almost _violently_ but he miscalculated, stumbled drunkenly into the wall and slammed his shoulder into the stone, and Ashton heard the crunch, felt bile rise in his throat but Luke was too far gone now and his eyes were dark, gleaming _mean_ almost, and Ashton’s argument died in his mouth.

“C’mon, Ash,” Luke mumbled and his hand was squeezing Ashton’s but it wasn’t even _close_ to tight enough. Ashton felt like Luke was slipping away.

He stumbled along beside his boyfriend in the darkness, wished he hadn’t drank so much _himself_ because it was clouding his judgement now, and he knew there was a _reason_ that he didn’t want to take Luke back to his empty house but he couldn’t remember _why_.

Then it filtered through the fog in his brain.

“Luke, I need to take you home. Your mum will be worried sick.”

Ashton’s words sounded funny to his own ears, thick like there was cotton wool in his ears, and maybe Luke felt the same because he clearly wasn’t listening.

“Nearly there,” the blond boy mumbled to himself and he laughed suddenly, like he could see something Ashton couldn’t, throwing his arms out as he gazed up at the stars, and when he pulled Ashton into a sudden kiss, licking hotly into his mouth, for the first time Ashton detected a slightly bitter taste on Luke’s tongue and it fucking _scared_ him because he knew Luke had left his drink unattended and… and maybe someone had _spiked_ it.

That would certainly explain why Luke seemed quite so devastatingly _wild_ tonight.

Ashton broke away, cupped Luke’s face gently in his hands and took in his unfocused eyes and blown pupils before Luke jerked away from him, took Ashton’s hand in his own and dragged him along the pavement, laughing and confused and _hurting_.

Ashton felt sick.

“Little bird, please,” the curly-haired boy breathed, his hazel eyes mournful beneath the velvet sky as they neared his house. “Let me take you to a hospital. We’ll get you checked over. Make sure you’re safe, okay?”

“Later,” Luke mumbled and his words were indistinct but his eyes were still gleaming, _plastic_ -looking almost, like Luke wasn’t **real** anymore. “I wanna _swim_.”

Ashton’s heart was in his throat when Luke danced away from him, the love in his eyes utterly _crushed_ by the pain and the fear, and Ashton knew Luke was completely out of his control now.

All he could do was hold onto Luke’s hand and _pray_ that the floor wouldn’t fall through beneath their feet.

Ashton was scared they were out of luck.

* 

Luke’s eyes were still shining, like _lightning_ almost - bright and lethal and _fading_ \- and Ashton’s heart was pounding unevenly in his chest when he unlocked the front door with shaking fingers.

Luke went straight through to the kitchen, crashing into the door frame as he went and letting out a little whine, like it had really hurt his _already_ -bruised shoulder.

Ashton followed Luke on trembling legs, felt his heart squeeze painfully in his chest when he saw Luke rummaging through the cupboards. There was the sound of breaking glass when something fell but Luke didn’t even seem to _notice_ when he turned to face Ashton, smiling with his eyes half-shut like the lights in the kitchen hurt his eyes.

He pressed a glass into Ashton’s hand, filled it with vodka and did the same to his own. Ashton choked on a sob, his hazel eyes pleading because Luke looked like a strong wind would knock him over now, and Luke cupped Ashton’s jaw gently, his fingers rubbing soothing patterns into the skin there as the blond boy swayed.

“Come on,” Luke breathed, kissing Ashton so lightly that the bitterness was undetectable. “Come on, take a shot.”

Ashton had never been able to say no to Luke.

This time was no different.

* 

The alcohol burnt running down Luke’s throat.

Ashton was _crying_ as he drank his own and Luke thought it looked like the stars in his eyes were boiling over, trickling down his cheeks to fall trembling from his jaw onto the cold stone tiles beneath their feet.

Luke’s love was a hard little knot in his chest, raw and painful, like someone had rubbed his heart with sandpaper, and Luke knew instinctively that holding Ashton’s hand wasn’t going to be enough to save him anymore.

Maybe _nothing_ was and that thought didn’t scare Luke enough.

He just wanted everything to be over now, wanted it to stop _hurting_...

Wanted to go swimming.

“C’mon,” the blond boy murmured, smearing handprints across the clean glass of Ashton’s back door before he managed to get it open and the cold night air left his head reeling.

He could hear sirens distantly but the stars and the gentle lap of the water in the swimming pool were of more interest to Luke.

He stripped his shirt off, shivered even as the alcohol in his veins made his _blood_ boil, and it was better than adrenaline - a _thousand_ times better - even if Ashton _was_ staring at him with so much fear that the older boy hurt to look at.

Luke looked away, formed a fist and swung it through the cold air, pictured a sword clasped tightly in leather gloves as he swiped at thorns, cutting a way through the labyrinth. Luke could see the sword almost, could see the moonlight reflecting off of it as it trailed sparks through the night air, and goosebumps were erupting on Luke’s pale skin now but he was swinging the sword again, and then the shot glass was shattering against the concrete and Luke’s hazy blue eyes were locked on it, unfocused as he watched the shards of glass glittering like diamonds on the flagstones that edged Ashton’s family’s swimming pool.

Luke took a step towards the water and the high-pitched yelp that escaped him shocked him until he realised there was a jagged piece of glass embedded in his foot.

“Lukey, _no_ ,” Ashton half-sobbed, reaching for the blond boy with tears shining in his eyes. Luke stared at him, took in the fear and the panic and the sheer fucking _desperation_ in his boyfriend’s eyes and, suddenly, Luke could barely swallow past the lump in his throat.

“I love you, honey,” Luke tried to say but his words came out garbled and his eyes widened with panic as bitterness welled up in his mouth and he didn’t know what was _wrong_ with him but his foot was burning with pain and his stomach was tying itself in knots and the stars were spinning overhead and Ashton was staring at him in appalled silence and… and Luke was lost.

He could see that now, realised that it had been the truth ever since that night he had first _met_ Ashton… but he’d been on the road to ruin for a lot longer than that and this definitely _wasn’t_ Ashton’s fault.

The older boy was just the catalyst, the beautiful bright-eyed boy who had sped up Luke’s descent as he fell… the wonderful boy who Luke had done his best to suck the life out of.

“Ashy, I’m s-sorry,” Luke choked out but his chest felt tight with panic now and his breath was coming in gasps, and Ashton opened his arms again - and he was trembling so violently that his whole frame _shook_ with it - but when Luke took a desperate step towards him, agonising pain seared through his foot and Luke let out a sob, stumbling as the stars dried on his cheeks -

And then the blond boy fell.

* 

Ashton watched in horror as everything suddenly became crystal clear.

Luke’s head cracked against the cold flagstones and he had fallen into the pool before Ashton could grab him. The blond boy didn’t thrash when he hit the water - he simply sank like a stone.

Luke’s skin burnt like knives when the icy water bit at him, thought briefly of Ashton, and of Calum and even _Michael_ , realised that they were the only _real_ friends he’d ever had in the moments before the cold water closed over his head.

Ashton was frozen with terror but bile rose in his throat when he saw blood spreading through the water like grotesque roses. Luke’s body was limp beneath the water, distorted as the moonlight rippled on the surface, and Ashton was shaking and his knees felt weak and his head was spinning but he still threw himself into the water too.

Luke’s panic was crippling him and everything was _silent_ , and it was the single loneliest feeling in the world. Luke’s grazed hands were stretched out above him as he sank, like he was reaching for something that wasn’t there, and there was _no_ sword in his grip now.

There was **nothing** , only the paralysing _panic_ , and his gasping lungs were filling with icy water when his back hit the bottom of the pool, and Luke was choking, drowning, _dying_ -

And then he was gone.

* 

Ashton couldn’t breathe.

Luke was a deadweight in his arms, icy and bloated and _pale_. His lips were blue, the black metal of the lip-ring in stark contrast to his skin. Ashton had held Luke’s hand when he got the piercing. Luke had almost cried.

The blond boy wasn’t crying now though.

He was still, utterly motionless beneath the starry sky, and Ashton thought it should be raining, thought there should be thunder and lightning and fucking _hurricanes_ so that the weather went some small way to reflecting how he felt inside.

Luke lay limply on the cold flagstones, shirtless and so white that he looked like he was made of _stars_. His chest wasn’t rising or falling. It was flat, like the surface of the pool now that the ripples had slowed.

Ashton cradled his boyfriend’s head gently in his large hand but his damp palm came away slick with blood, the dark red swirling in the water that lingered on Ashton’s hand.

The older boy - the _only_ boy - choked and it was halfway between a sob and a scream as Luke lay dead in front of him, stretched out on the ground, too far away for Ashton to reach now.

“I love you, little bird,” Ashton breathed out, his trembling fingers clumsy on Luke’s beautiful, delicate face as the cold water dripped from Ashton’s curls, running down his face into his glazed, desperate eyes.

“ _Please_ ,” Ashton croaked and the tears gleaming in his eyes were boiling on his cold cheeks as Luke’s blood spread out on the floor around them, darkening the pale flagstones as Luke’s golden hair fell like a halo around his broken head. “ _P-please_ , little bird. W-wake up. _P-please_ wake up.”

Luke’s eyes were still open and maybe that was the bit that hurt Ashton the most, because they weren’t gleaming mean _or_ loving anymore.

They weren’t gleaming at _all_.

They were _empty_...  just like **Ashton**.

* 

The curly-haired man always loved the summer rains the most.

He loved the lightning storms and the rumbling thunder and raindrops the size of bullets.

He loved the taste of Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice, loved the smell of weed even though he shouldn’t. He liked those few seconds after he woke up from a dream before he _remembered_.

Ashton _hated_ cherry schnapps and the smell of chlorine. It made bile rise in his throat, made his breath catch like _Luke’s_ had once, but those thoughts proved too painful to follow, even _years_ later.

Ashton privately didn’t think he would _ever_ get over it but that was okay. That was _expected_ , kind of.

Someone like Luke wasn’t easy to forget.

Ashton remembered the feeling of Luke in his arms, thought back to a time when the blond boy was _smaller_ than him, cradled safe to the older boy’s chest as he smiled nervously up at Ashton with rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes and kiss-bitten lips.

Ashton’s heart still ached in his chest half a decade later and, sometimes, remembering the way Luke’s golden eyelashes brushed his cheeks as he smiled shyly… well, it burnt Ashton as hot as their very first kiss had.

The stretch of highway that Ashton had stopped on was bleak. A grey mountain stretched up into the white blanket of clouds overhead and a light drizzle fell onto the tarmac. It was a misty day and the branches of a nearby pine tree swayed as a crow took off from it.

Ashton’s hazel eyes were fixed on the bird as it flew away, soaring and circling and screaming into the bright, vast, _empty_ sky.

Ashton inhaled thinly around his cigarette, frowning after the bird as the smoke coiled up into the clean fresh air, poisoning it.

“Oh, little bird,” Ashton murmured as the rain ran down his tanned face like tears. He took another drag of the cigarette and his phone chimed in the pocket of his torn skinny jeans. Upon inspection, Ashton discovered a text from Michael asking when he was going to come and visit him and Calum again.

Ashton slipped his phone back into his pocket, looked around and wondered why it didn’t _hurt_ so much visiting this spot in the daylight. He remembered Luke’s cloudy blue eyes, remembered him whispering: “ _I’m fixing me_ ” as he stood in the very same spot.

Ashton wondered where Luke was now.

He wondered if Liz would ever get over losing her son, wondered if Andrew had settled down anywhere yet. Ashton wondered if Luke’s brothers Jack and Ben were okay, wondered why Calum and Michael _still_ tried to contact Ashton after that direful night all those years ago.

Ashton still wanted Luke so much that it _hurt_ , still craved the blond boy like the deadliest type of drug, addictive and deadly and _perfectly_ agonising.

Maybe one day Ashton would follow Luke but… but not today.

The curly-haired man threw his head back, stared up at the cloudy sky as it pressed down on him. The crow was still wheeling in the air, screaming at the sun burning dimly through the thick layer of grey clouds as its beady eyes gleamed with something like tears.

“Little bird,” Ashton repeated heavily, his heart cold and still in his chest, and when the crow soared down low over him - so close that its inky black feathers brushed the older man’s curls when he ducked warily - Ashton realised that maybe Luke _wasn’t_ as far away as he had once imagined.

The lonely man stamped out the cigarette beneath his foot, his bag heavy on his back and his heart even heavier in his chest.

When Ashton started to walk down the highway once more, the crow flew on ahead, showing Ashton the way almost, and when the curly-haired man looked up at the little bird as it soared along overhead, he caught the faintest hint of cherries on the breeze.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos!  
> Thank you :) ♥


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